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I don't like Paul Simon. I don't dig his uninspired compositions, I don't like how polished and sleepy they sound, I don't like his voice. I didn't like Simon & Garfunkel, I don't like "
I will use the famous song "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover" as an example of Simon at his most self-consciously empty-headed. Plenty of people talk about how much of a lyrical genius Paul Simon is, but I don't see it. I think people confuse "lyrical genius" with "occasional use of 4-syllable words." Let's take a look at the opening lyric:
"The problem is all inside your head," she said to me
The answer is easy if you take it logically
I'd like to help you in your struggle to be free
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover
What problem, you ask? We get the fact that this is about some couple having difficulties in their relationship, but we can't really understand what exactly is going on? Is the guy too needy? Is the girl too needy? Is the guy not needy enough? Is this a lesbian relationship? Will he explain himself, or just continue to be vague? Let's continue:
She said it's really not my habit to intrude
Furthermore, I hope my meaning won't be lost or misconstrued
But I'll repeat myself at the risk of being crude
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover
Fifty ways to leave your lover.
You may notice that each succeeding sentence has absolutely nothing to do with the previous one. What the hell is this lady intruding on, and what does it have to do with her meaning being lost or misconstrued? Don't try to tell me this is anything other than incredibly, clunky, uninspired wordplay. Only the biggest idiot in the world would be impressed by him using the word "misconstrued," especially when he happens to rhyme it with "crude," any moron could have come up with that. But in my opinion it gets worse. This chorus is relatively well-known, and it surprises me that actual adults find it either funny or thought-provoking, as this is clearly the sort of thing you would sing in preschool:
Just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free.
Songwriter rule #1: You can't just cheat out of finding a good rhyme by adding some random person's name at the end of it. I defy anyone to defend this abysmal attempt at rhyming on any grounds, musical or otherwise.
Putting aside the horrible lyrics, I also reject the notion that Paul Simon is gifted as a tunesmith in any way. Using "50 Ways" as an example once again, I can say that while his chord changes aren't really that offensive, they are in no way really representative of any real "genius" at work. The song is the litest of lite-funk shuffle--if it was any liter it would be inaudible. The most interesting musical aspect of this song is Steve Gadd's stop-start marching pattern, which gives this song a smidge (just a smidge) more rhythmic heft than the average Simon song. But it's the absolute same beat throughout, and when you think he's going to try rocking out when the chorus comes, he keeps plodding along at the same speed. Compare this performance with his fiery drumwork on Steely Dan's "Aja" to see why he was actually thought to have some intuitive musical ability as well as technical skill.
In conclusion, this is a man has even tried to go to fucking Africa to try to liven up his lily-white compositions and he only succeeded in embarrassing Ladysmith Black Mambazo. And instead of appearing in music videos with
the South African musicians he works with, he has
This is a slightly better version of "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover," I think, as performed by The Electric Mayhem (oh my God they actually have an artist page for them):
It's still a shame to see the normally unhinged Animal reduced to playing that monotonous Steve Gadd shuffle, but at least he has Rizzo to help him with playing tiny cymbals.
EDIT: Mendelson wrote to me not long after I wrote this to tell me that there is no possible way that Paul Simon could have made Ladysmith Black Mambazo more ridiculous than they already were. My point still stands.
31 comments:
Awesome rant!!
I was just getting into a heated debate on an otherwise great forum about how shit Paul Simon is and i found your essay inspirational!
Many thanks!
I'm watching Paul Simon on the Colbert Report and thinking how insipid Paul Simon is. Simon and Garfunkel did write a few good songs, but these mostly rested on good musical hooks. The lyrics are unmemorable pop doggerel on the whole. Art Garfunkel's voice gave some soul to the enterprise. Simon's best work relied heavily on borrowing from stronger music traditions, like Olodum's drums from the Bahia in Brazil. "World music" is just a euphemism for stealing better music to beef up the insipid sound.
Jealousy sure is a hard pill to swallow...
Seriously, if there's one thing the population at large demands it's an expert analysis of "50 ways to leave your lover". A rhyming song Paul Simon wrote for his children, and described as "about nothing" and simply "a bit of fun".
Still, if miserable rants and the posting poor poetry to an audience of 2 anonymous bloggers doesn't cement your name in history, you might want to try your hand as a rock-journalist. You're nasty, bitter, clueless AND talentless! - The job would fit you like a glove!
Other than Mrs Robinson, I can't stand Simon and Garfunkel songs - I find the melody so slow and depressing that it makes me want to slit my wrists. Harsh and blunt: it's easy listening for morons.
Who knows where to download XRumer 5.0 Palladium?
Help, please. All recommend this program to effectively advertise on the Internet, this is the best program!
Just want you to know that this brought me joy.
I was watching The Graduate last night, and the music was so horrendous that I had to switch the brilliant movie off.
I had to google "Paul Simon Sucks" to find someone else who felt my pain.
I think I disagree with your lyrical analysis btw, but the spirit of your rant is so perfectly hateful that I am 100% with you no matter what.
thanks for this post...
Agreed, just watched the Helms SNL & aside from Paul Simon sucking real bad, it was a good show. Paul Simon should actually play the guitar if he is going to have it strapped to his back on stage. Pretending to play along is not cool. Especially when the song is boring and un-evolving to begin with. more of the same crap that he has always made. go under your bridge and stay there. Tnx
Sorry 'writer', but you're the idiot. If you can't use your imagination enough to understand the lyric then don't try. You missed it coz you're stupid.. simple. I find it (almost) hilarious that people sit around and criticize the few artists left on Earth who can actually write good songs. Especially when there's so much other offensively poor crap being produced today.
Why don't you go after Green Day? Or Rhianna? But no.. let's criticize Paul Simon?..
Coz he doesn't write happy songs that make me feel 12 again?..
Boo fucking hoo!
Thank you. I love you. Will see you in the trenches.
I rather enjoy Paul Simon. I googled "Paul Simon sucks" in an attempt to find an actual gathering of tasteless cretins who do not appreciate splendid music. My search ends at this site.
your sir are a fucking idiot! Congrats on obtaining 11 comments worth of reaction! hahah
@the graduate - I am impressed by your loyalty to the author. I feel the same way - I would back him up in a knife fight - don't care who started it.
I was listening to Graceland on the radio just now. It struck me that I find Paul Simon insipid and boring.
I have liked The Boxer and America since I was a child and still enjoy them. But that's it. Although he makes it plain that Garfunkel didn't write any material it does seem he at least kept Simon in check and raised his game.
After listening to Graceland I Googled "Paul Simon Sucks" to take a reading on the mood out there. Thanks for the laughs.
Important Update:
I am supplementing my comment of July 9 2014 with this important update. I was listening to the radio again last night - the same program as my last important entry. This time Simon was singing "Something So Right". This song, from 1973, was worse that Graceland and I was surprised to find such a bad song at so early a date. Here is the worst "stanza":
They've got a wall in China
It's a thousand miles long
To keep out the foreigners
They made it strong
I've got a wall around me
You can't even see
It took a little time
To get to me
but please look up the lyrics yourself you might find worse.
well...paul simon does indeed suck. his subject matter is always calculated and slightly maudlin - the kind of 'deep' poetry college juniors write and read to googly eyed underclassmen to seduce them. songs like 'duncan' and 'the boxer' are - well they're cheesy and insincere. he's a nice jewish boy from queens who didn't go on the bum - another guy who wanted to be jack kerouac without leaving home to get the experiences first hand.
same, musically, for graceland. he heard the musicians on that album, that sound (from the compilation 'indestructible beat of soweto) and it was just a catchy gimmick to his ears. it's not like he'd been living in africa delving into this stuff for years.
a friend of mind called graceland 'the ofay white man's tour of the tropics'
paul simon's music is for yuppies who haven't been cool or daring for decades but like to think of themselves in that way still. they sit in their yoga pants and birkenstocks or land's end funky weekend outfits with a glass of expensive wine and imagine they are somehow hip. they aren't. john lydon would eat them for a snack.
Paul's a huge hit, much to this blogs chagrin. He's bigger and better than the clamer of rants on this blog. My suggestion to you "writers" would be to "find a quite place. Use a humble pen". Taking apart lyrics to 50 ways is like taking apart The Red Hot Chili Peppers Californication.
Marry me girl be the fairy to the world be my very own constellation. A teenage bride with a baby inside getting high off information. Buy me a star on the boulevard it's Californication
Marry me? Who's a constellation? Can you get high off information? What's the street value of information? I guess, for you, it's "hard to be greateful when you're out of control." Paul's mingled and performed with McCartney, Dylan, Sting, the list goes on. These are the times, right? Pop music is just so inspiring. Nope. Same chords, stories, and rhythm. Paul is a poet and storyteller. He's traditional and contemporary. He's timeless. "Why deny the obvious, CHILD."
Wow. Lots of bitter Paul Simon fans. God, it must suck to be anywhere near their music collections.
Paul Simon and Simon and Garfunkel had some awesome songs in the 60s.
But they did nothing worth mentioning afterwards.
Graceland is the epitome of hollow soulless 80s pop garbage.
Listen to "I Am A Rock" and then "You Can Call Me Al" and what you witness is a sort of death; from something moving and profound and bittersweet to just pure hollow commercial pop crap.
Important supplemental update from my two previous anonymous posts on June 9 and Oct 25 2014.
Garfunkel spills the beans about his feelings towards Paul:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/music/rockandpopmusic/11626027/art-garfunkel-interview-paul-simon.html
I was not surprised by the article - even though I know nothing about their relationship except for Simon's emphases on himself as the sole writer.
From the article: Paul Simon once said that it upset him that audiences thought Garfunkel had written his masterpiece, the song Bridge Over Troubled Water – because Garfunkel sang it as a solo, with piano accompaniment.
“I saw that quote, too. But how many songs did I sing upfront and have a real tour de force of vocal? Does he resent that I had that one? I find that ungenerous.”
and:
He adds that at school he felt sorry for Paul because of his height, and he offered him love and friendship as a compensation. “And that compensation gesture has created a monster"
I don't hate Paul Simon. I would not call his music rock and roll and in a sense he is a type of anti-rock and roll artist from the sixties. He is a good song writer, but I feel he relies on back up singing or instrumentation. Graceland I felt patronized African American song artistry...taking a risk here...but it is my opinion. He used Joe DiMaggio's fame to pump of Mrs. Robinson song. Joe had not really gone anywhere. At the time of the song writing DiMaggio had an active career. But okay I am being picky...Simon and Garfunkel had good harmony together, but again Simon had a partner singer to make his sound better. Simon is a successful artist in a competative business. He deserves credit for that. But I sometimes wish Simon was more rebellious in his music. He needed to take more chances and more risks like his Mrs. Robinson song.
I'm glad you've seen through the monstrous egotism of Paul Simon, and have had the courage to express your loathing of him, in spite of all the people who throw rhetorical tantrums at any perceived slight to their dwarfish idol.
Totally agree with you. You don't have to write out every single detail like what was wrong with the relationship or what she was intruding. That's unimportant information. It was a song, not a novel. Jeez.
And to judge a writer by just one song is plain stupid, especially for an artist who wrote about many things. This blog's writer probably thinks something like "Feeling Groovy" should be taken seriously, and judged at the same level as "The Boxer", "Hearts and Bones", "The Obvious Child". That's the same as judging The Beatles' entire discography from "we all live in a yellow submarine yellow submarine yellow submarine".
Took the words out of my mouth. Perfect comment. The writers points about "what was the problem in the relationship" and "what was she intruding" just makes me laugh.
Oh man. I'm listening to Paul Simon right now (my parents are watching a live concert of his) and his music is irritating me and this is helping me understand why. It's maddeningly bland, uninspired, derivative, tame, cliché (feel free to insert more adjectives, etc...) Give me something to go on here Paul! I just want a little morsel of substance. I know you can do it, Paul! Pleeaassee
Glad I googled Paul Simon Sucks and found this. Just see him on most recent SNL and wow. Absolute shit. And yes the Graduate was definitely ruined by his "music".
Paul Simon is an ugly untalented hack.
Having molten lead poured into your ear while the other ear could still listen to Paul Simon, Slip Slidin Away, is the worst torture imaginable.
Important update to my incredibly funny anonymous posts of August 8, 2016, June 9 and Oct 25 2014. It's now over 5 years since my first hilarious post. Now down to business. The following YouTube audio of Art Garfunkel incessantly banging on about something or other between takes in the studio. If Paul had to routinely listen to this then we must account for this when judging him:
https://youtu.be/XkNSjyTCovM
Thankyou for putting into words what I have always felt but never known quite how to express
This is hilarious - thanks Anonymous May 26, 2021 at 11:10 AM
https://youtu.be/XkNSjyTCovM
Paul Simon sucks, this is very true. If you go through his entire solo catalogue and pick out the good songs, you'd have about 50 minutes of music. pathetic.
Love your rant, don't get me wrong. Several good points. BUT...who ever said that lyrical/musical genius was a prerequisite for musicians? If that ever was a thing, those days have long since been gone. If it is indeed an era-based criterium, then ok, sure, the 70s and 80s had a myriad more genius behind it compared to the music of today, in which case you could compare Paul Simon to his contemporaries.
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