Why I hate Paul Simon, or, a dissection of "50 Ways To Leave Your Lover"

I actually wrote this a long time ago on my last.fm blog, but I thought I'd share it with anyone who is interested. In retrospect I should note that "50 Ways To Leave Your Lover" is, honestly, way too easy of a target, and I hope in the future to attack other stuff of Paul Simon's with similar gusto, in order to prove that this man is a lyrical meathead. Anyhow, enjoy.
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I don't like Paul Simon. I don't dig his uninspired compositions, I don't like how polished and sleepy they sound, I don't like his voice. I didn't like Simon & Garfunkel, I don't like "Graceland," I'm just not that into him. Now I know it is not my right to bitch about other people listening to him, but I think I can make a good argument for why he sucks.

I will use the famous song "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover" as an example of Simon at his most self-consciously empty-headed. Plenty of people talk about how much of a lyrical genius Paul Simon is, but I don't see it. I think people confuse "lyrical genius" with "occasional use of 4-syllable words." Let's take a look at the opening lyric:

"The problem is all inside your head," she said to me
The answer is easy if you take it logically
I'd like to help you in your struggle to be free
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover

What problem, you ask? We get the fact that this is about some couple having difficulties in their relationship, but we can't really understand what exactly is going on? Is the guy too needy? Is the girl too needy? Is the guy not needy enough? Is this a lesbian relationship? Will he explain himself, or just continue to be vague? Let's continue:

She said it's really not my habit to intrude
Furthermore, I hope my meaning won't be lost or misconstrued
But I'll repeat myself at the risk of being crude
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover
Fifty ways to leave your lover.

You may notice that each succeeding sentence has absolutely nothing to do with the previous one. What the hell is this lady intruding on, and what does it have to do with her meaning being lost or misconstrued? Don't try to tell me this is anything other than incredibly, clunky, uninspired wordplay. Only the biggest idiot in the world would be impressed by him using the word "misconstrued," especially when he happens to rhyme it with "crude," any moron could have come up with that. But in my opinion it gets worse. This chorus is relatively well-known, and it surprises me that actual adults find it either funny or thought-provoking, as this is clearly the sort of thing you would sing in preschool:

Just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free.

Songwriter rule #1: You can't just cheat out of finding a good rhyme by adding some random person's name at the end of it. I defy anyone to defend this abysmal attempt at rhyming on any grounds, musical or otherwise.

Putting aside the horrible lyrics, I also reject the notion that Paul Simon is gifted as a tunesmith in any way. Using "50 Ways" as an example once again, I can say that while his chord changes aren't really that offensive, they are in no way really representative of any real "genius" at work. The song is the litest of lite-funk shuffle--if it was any liter it would be inaudible. The most interesting musical aspect of this song is Steve Gadd's stop-start marching pattern, which gives this song a smidge (just a smidge) more rhythmic heft than the average Simon song. But it's the absolute same beat throughout, and when you think he's going to try rocking out when the chorus comes, he keeps plodding along at the same speed. Compare this performance with his fiery drumwork on Steely Dan's "Aja" to see why he was actually thought to have some intuitive musical ability as well as technical skill.

In conclusion, this is a man has even tried to go to fucking Africa to try to liven up his lily-white compositions and he only succeeded in embarrassing Ladysmith Black Mambazo. And instead of appearing in music videos with
the South African musicians he works with, he has Chevy Chase. Fuck him.

This is a slightly better version of "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover," I think, as performed by The Electric Mayhem (oh my God they actually have an artist page for them):


It's still a shame to see the normally unhinged Animal reduced to playing that monotonous Steve Gadd shuffle, but at least he has Rizzo to help him with playing tiny cymbals.

EDIT: Mendelson wrote to me not long after I wrote this to tell me that there is no possible way that Paul Simon could have made Ladysmith Black Mambazo more ridiculous than they already were. My point still stands.